kill: (everything was beautiful)
( Dec. 28th, 2008 08:04 am)
Sometime during the holiday my back went out pretty bad. I was very stir-crazy yesterday and felt vaguely okay, so Matt and I went out to go to the grocery store and the library. I was driving and I turned down a bad street and we got stuck in the snow. An awesome Good Samaritan neighbor heard our tires spinning and drove over with his Jeep and towed us out. But in the meantime I slipped on the ice a little while trying to figure out what to do. I even made to push the car but Matt yelled at me not to, so don't blame him, heh. He's really good about watching out for me when I try to take on too much. I just felt so useless and I wanted to help. But by the time we got out of there I was in a great deal of pain.

I have six pain pills left and no muscle relaxants so I've been taking it verrrry easy. Refilling my meds might prove rather difficult as I have to go through the campus pharmacy and it's going to take a phone call to my surgeon. Hopefully it won't be a hassle. If I can get out from under the pain I might be able to stretch my way out of this one.

I'm really concerned though because the pain is shooting down my leg again, like it did before my last surgery. That is never a good sign. All the times I've had pain since surgery have been minimal and seemingly muscle spasm-related and did not involve my extremities and did not feel disc-related. This, on the other hand, feels disc-related. And this terrifies me.

There is no more laminectomy/discectomy, as I only have about 15% of my disc left. There is only fusion. Last night I got so depressed and frustrated that I felt like I wanted to give up on my life. Not suicide, but figuring out a way to be on disability and find a way to get better somehow. Because I just don't know if I can deal with this again. I feel like I've used up all my strength. I know that it could be much worse; that I can even limp to the bathroom is a fortunate thing compared to things that other people are going through. I hate the self-centeredness that comes with this pain. I hate that makes me dwell on my own shit while people are getting annihilated in Gaza.

I'm at work right now because there is no one else to do the work and I've only worked one day since the 17th, not because of my back but because our office has been closed due to the weather. I'm just going to slowly get through it the best I can. If you pray, please pray for me that this will be okay by the 5th, when I need to return to school.

I don't know what else to do. How else to be.


kill: (Default)

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